How Many Wives Does it Take to Change a Husband?

I am in awe of the changes I have seen in my husband over the past 14 years I've known him. 

The man who attended church on a few major holidays is now there every Sunday ushering and even leading an adult Bible study. 

The man who told me it was amazing how little our lives had changed after the birth of our first child (because HIS life really had changed little), is now a doting father of five. 

The man whose temper would flare at the drop of a hat (who threw that hat down anyway?) is finding peace in the face of pressure.

God has allowed me to see the changes in my husband and has even been gracious enough to let me believe I had something to do with it!  These are the means of changing my husband I have tried to no avail:  screaming, threatening, controlling, analyzing, guilt tripping, double teaming, pouting, crying, ignoring, self-righteousness, temper tantrums, apathy, silent treatment, self-destructiveness, nagging, shaming, bibliotherapy (leaving books and tapes around or insisting he read/listen to them), debating and slandering him. 

If you are considering using any of these approaches to change your husband, save your time and energy.  They DO NOT work.  Oh, they might work for a little while, but when he reverts to his former behavior you have an even bigger problem on your hands.  He's more resistant to change and you're even madder! 

I thought I understood that God wanted me to focus on our own need for change, our own sinfulness.  But clearly when the problem was SO much bigger with my mate and when my sin was really only a RESPONSE to his, God wouldn't mind if I helped him out.  Turns out, He minded.  How could it have been that my pride was contributing to all of this?  The worse I made my husband feel, the worse he behaved. 

I don't even know if I can explain how the Lord has changed me, but I will try.  I have come to realize that God is allowing me to have a husband who struggles in the ways he struggles.  It is part of the Lord's path for me; it's not a side trip.  He has shown me how trusting the Lord to work through my husband is the means to peace and joy like I have never known.  "But he's not....and he is so...and and and."  I know all of the endings to those sentences.  But God is writing this story and I need to stay in character. 

I've alwaysthought that God made me (or was trying to tell me I was) inferior to men.  Now I understand that I have all of these wonderful gifts that my husband doesn't have.  I'm not better or worse; I'm complementary.  I'm supposed to be a helper to my husband.  Yes, he is the leader in our home.  I can resent that or rest in it. If he makes the wrong decision, I am not help responsible!  Hallelujah!  All I have to do is help and offer my opinion when asked (ONCE) and pray for my husband. 

It's late and I'm rambling.  If you are interested in more on this subject, I highly recommend the book On the Other Side of the Garden by Virginia Fugate.    The answer to How Many Wives Does it Take to Change a Husband? is One.  One wife who is willing to be changed by the same Holy Spirit who will change her man if she will just get out of the way.